Choosing Friends with Intention

A wise woman...surrounds herself with people who are good for her.

I remember the first time I gave conscious thought to the whole notion of friendship. I was at a conference and the keynote speaker talked about how much we're impacted by the people around us, and reminded us to be deliberate and intentional about who we spend time with. I came home from the conference thinking non-stop about this message and how it applied to me. Over the next few months I found myself giving serious thought to who I was spending time with, and more importantly, how I felt when I was with them.

For me it came down to two basic questions. Does this person leave me feeling good, or not so good? What I discovered is that there were many friends who left me feeling positive, happy and energized. Woo hoo! There were other friends however, that left me feeling negative, down, and a bit of the life sucked out of me.

While I felt loads of gratitude about the friends that I thought were good for me, I was at the same time questioning why I was spending time with people who weren't making a particularly positive impact on my life. These were my "glass half empty" friends - the ones who have good hearts, but also gave me the distinct privilege of listening to them constantly vent about what was wrong with the world, and for whom things never seemed to go right. Ugh...

This realization prompted me to do something rather bold. I brazenly sat down and wrote a list of the characteristics of the kinds of friends I was looking for - and lo and behold...they started to appear.

While I could wax eloquent about the cognitive psychological reasoning for my ability to identify these new friends with my desired characteristics - the effortless reason is - because I was deliberate and intentional about identifying what I was looking for.

My big "ah-ha" with this experience was that in the past I had been very unintentional about creating my social sphere, and that in order to be good to myself, it was important to make friendships with deliberate intent versus by default.

I still love my glass half empty friends, I just choose to appreciate them in smaller doses.

Praise. Who needs it?

A wise woman...graciously accepts a compliment with a simple, "thank you".

Like most people, I feel stronger and get a boost of energy when someone takes the time to let me know they think I'm on the right track. Mind you, it must be authentic praise. Most of us have developed a pretty fine tuned "BS-O-Meter" - we can detect a hidden agenda from a mile away.

But even when it is authentic, I continue to be fascinated by the relationship that our culture has with receiving praise.

Why do so many of us, particularly women, push praise away when it's offered with responses such as - "Oh, this old thing?" or "Oh, it was nothing."  or "Oh, they're just being polite." and my personal favorite, "Oh, you haven't had your eyes checked lately have you!"

Why is it so difficult for us to simply say - thank you?

I know, we're taught to be humble, which is a good thing a lot of the time - but is it necessary ALL of the time? Cognitive Psychologists have been encouraging us for decades to accept praise because they know it strengthens us to take on new things in our lives.

And what about the praise-giver? If we choose to push praise away we're also choosing not to value the judgment of others, let alone honour their kind gesture.

Let's make a collective "pinkie swear" with each other that we will practice, and become skilled at, the art of graciously accepting authentic praise with a simple thank you. It's one of the best things we can do to take care of ourselves.

Laugh Lines

A wise woman...thinks her laugh lines are beautiful.

When we're little we proudly announce to others that we're 5 3/4 or 9 1/2 years old. I remember enthusiastically telling people I was already the next age if my birthday was close enough.

I was in my thirties when I first started to hear other women complain about turning another year older. I didn't understand it at the time, but figured I must be missing something and would "get it" later on. Well, I'm now enjoying my mid-forites...and find myself still not getting it.

Fact - yes my jaw line, and the rest of my face, seems to be sliding south. Fact - my girlish figure is not so girlish anymore. Fact - when I am getting dressed for an event I think about wearing layers so I won't overheat. Isn't that fantastic! I'm getting older!

Seriously, let's put the ego elements of this topic aside, and get to the most basic question of all. What's the alternative to not aging and being able to celebrate another birthday? You got it!

The reality is, we're all going to go eventually. But does it make sense to live the time we do have, not enjoying where we are in our lives right now? Why are so many of us spending our time wishing we could stop or turn back the clock instead of enjoying the privilege we've been given to be here?

It may sound crazy - but I love my laugh lines, I've earned every one. I love the wisdom that comes with this stage in my life. It brings with it a sense of calm and knowing that I would never trade for my old perky bust or tight tush.

While I am enjoying my forties I'm also looking forward to my 50's, 60's and 70's and beyond. My friends who are there before me report that it gets even better and that they love being where they are in their lives.

My wish for women, is that we intentionally choose to turn a deaf ear to the media that is constantly bombarding us with messages that suggest we should want to be younger. My wish for girls, especially for my own daughters, is that they learn to truly enjoy every stage of their lives.

My wish for us all, is that we make a conscious decision to celebrate our lives.

"Happy Hour"

A wise woman... knows that “happy hour” isn't reserved for Friday at 5:00 pm.

Goodness knows I look forward to Friday night. Perhaps like many of you, I will often celebrate the end of a work week with a few libations in front of the fireplace, surrounded by good friends. There's a collective feeling of "ahhhhh" in the room that promotes lively conversation about the week gone by, and the weekend ahead.

But is this the ONLY hour during the week that we can call happy?

When I take time to pause and be in the moment during my day, there seems to be happy hours 'round the clock. It all depends on how I'm looking at my life.

Given more thought, I realize that happy hour for me is a quiet Monday morning cup of coffee, snuggles on the couch with my daughter, cooking with my husband after a long day, or an unexpected conversation with someone that leaves me feeling great.

What if we spent as much time looking forward to the happy hours in each day as much as we look forward to Friday evening? To me that sounds like a life truly enjoyed.

What’s your “happy hour” today?

Time With My Girlfriends

A wise woman...knows that when women gather they are stronger

The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to make space in my life for girlfriends.Sometimes I get so focused on what needs to get done next on my to-do list, that taking time out to spend with my girlfriends feels like a guilty pleasure. And yet I always feel good after I’ve spent time with them.

When I get together with my friends we talk about things we're passionate about, share our personal experiences, exchange our views on every topic that comes to mind, and I always come away having learned something new. We celebrate the good stuff, commiserate about the tough stuff, and without any notice we may burst into a belly laugh that leaves tears in our eyes. It’s a cleansing feeling to share a good belly laugh with my friends – it clears my head and allows me to really “be” in the moment.

Starting Wise Women's Weekends was my way of deliberately making time with my friends and has been one of the best things I’ve done for myself. And while I will continue to have my official annual get-awaywith the gals, what I know now is that once a year isn’t enough. Whether we meet for coffee or go for a walk, whether there’s two of us or ten, making time with my friends throughout the year has become a priority for me because I’ve learned that it’s one of the ways I take care of myself.

Most importantly, I come away from my time with my girlfriends feeling connected, strong, and valued. I think one of the greatest luxuries in life is to feel that you are heard and understood, and I feel that way when I’ve hung out for awhile with my friends.

I love this picture of my Wise Women and I sharing one of our many belly laughs - it's just good for the soul.

I found this short clip about Girlfriends by entertainer Nicole Johnson - enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDhmKwN9DNw  

The light finally came on...

After 14 years of watching my husband pack for his annual guy’s weekend, my light finally came on. Each year I would say the same thing, “I wish I was going on a girl’s weekend with my favorite female friends." Of course my enlightened, logical husband would simply reply, “Then why don’t you?”
I could see the logic and value of creating time to pause and celebrate life – it wasn’t rocket science. I usually felt stronger and more focused after spending time conversing with my friends who were experiencing all of the same lights and shadows that life has to offer. This shared identification with my friends somehow made me feel less alone - that perhaps I really was on the right track after all.

So what took me so long to put what I knew into action? In hindsight I think I felt the same way that a lot of other women feel; that they’re either too busy or feel too guilty to make it happen.

In 2004 I finally listened to my internal wisdom, and created the first Wise Women’s Weekend. I invited 8 women who had had a positive impact on my life in some way, to spend a weekend with me under one roof in a beautiful vacation home. I didn’t want this to be just any kind of weekend. What I wanted to create was an event that would allow me to share my gratitude and admiration for each of these women, and at the same time provide us all with an opportunity to learn from each other through the sharing of our stories, and the wisdom we’ve each collected along the way.

Most of the women didn’t know each other that first year; we’re all from different backgrounds, professions and stages of life. Yet today our group of nine has formed a lifelong bond. We celebrate each other’s ups, commiserate the downs, and encourage each other to be our best selves. We've just returned from our 6th Annual Wise Women's Weekend and again have come away feeling connected - and valued.

This experience is what inspired me to create a wise woman... to offer gentle reminders for women to pause more, connect with each other and celebrate their lives.

I know that all nine of us are stronger from having this connection, and it was important to me to bring it to other women.

Meet My Wise Women in the picture above...

Clockwise from left to right; Cindy, Pam, Sherrin, me, Barb, Jollean, Sharon, Sandra, Cara

Here's to feeling valued and connected!

Cheers,

Lauri